and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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