i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you win again, gameday.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
