I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
