Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
