I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
