Sober January is a disaster.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
