cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
