youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
