First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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