so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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