just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
