Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
