I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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