which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
