There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize