dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
