My liver just broke up with me...
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
