i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
