We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
