Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
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