her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
