the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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