I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
