lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize