just survived the first fart of the relationship.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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