he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
