last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
