my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
