3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize