mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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