Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
