ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
