from now on my penis is your penis
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
if i died would you start the facebook group?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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