Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
