my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
