Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
