1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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