you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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