He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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