1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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