Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Someone shattered a urinal.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
