I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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