I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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