I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
