dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Drake has all the answers
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
