I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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