shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
