I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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