Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
