3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize