He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
