I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
