it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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