mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
