Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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