If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
