i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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