apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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