The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
