i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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