I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
