he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
