You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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