If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
